


Sometimes I Think

by Wagnetic



Series: When The World Goes Away [4]
Category: due South
Genre: Ableism, Depression, Gen, Hope, Self-Acceptance, Suicidal Ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-05
Updated: 2016-12-05
Packaged: 2018-09-06 18:58:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8765128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wagnetic/pseuds/Wagnetic
Summary: Suicidal ideation and bravery





	

**Author's Note:**

> For the ds_snippets challenge  
> “And when I chose to live, there was no joy, it’s just a line I crossed  
> It wasn’t worth the pain my death would cost,  
> So I was not lost or found"  
> [Dar Williams, “After All”]

When Ray was a kid, sometimes his dad would yell and yell. Hard, cold words for him, for his mom, and anyone else who was around. Ray learned to shrug it off by the time he was seven. That was part of what it meant to be a man: to be big and fierce and show the world that you could take anybody who wanted to challenge you. Ray was going to be strong like his dad one day, and that meant that he wouldn’t cry, even when “selfish” and “useless” ran through his head.

But sometimes he’d think ‘what if I could just make it go away?’ and the thought followed him over the years like the smell of blood.

It stayed close through his failures in school and the pitying way his teachers looked at him. A report card full of “needs improvement,” and the snickers of “special Stanley.” It nipped at his heels through the cases where he saw the worst parts of people and wondered if the good in the world could possibly match the cruelty.

Ray thought about it, really thought about it, when Stella left. Was anything worth that ever-present ache? But he’d think of his mom’s smile and Welsh’s gruff approval, and sometimes he’d even remember those times that he and his dad spent hours in the garage. If there was one thing he wasn’t willing to do, it was hurt them. He wasn’t worth that.

 

The damn thought didn’t really leave for good, but he learned to let it come and go. Knowing who he was and what he could do, that was what it meant to be a man. Remembering that there was love and laughter and joy was what made him brave.

He’d grown up to be strong after all.


End file.
